Bad Titles for Horror Movies

For those who like their humor absurd with a dash of lame, here’s a list of 25-plus-one really awful titles (and ideas) for horror movies. The inspiration for this rather useless expenditure of mental activity goes back to a conversation I had with my friend and fellow horror writer Mark McLaughlin in 2001, when he and I were in process of writing two collaborative stories together. Not incidentally, these are “Nightmares, Imported and Domestic,” published in The HWA Presents: Dark Arts, and “A Cherished Place at the Center of His Plans,” published in Mark’s omnibus collection Hell Is Where the Heart Is and subsequently recognized with an honorable mention in The Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror.

Mark is one of the funniest guys I know, and his years-long experience of editing The Urbanite, one of the finest small press horror magazines around (now sadly deceased), gave him a hilarious window into the world of truly awful titles that many novice writers attach to their horror stories. He told me he was particularly amused at the number of submissions he received every year whose titles were utterly banal and boring even though the authors obviously meant them to be ominous and mysterious, e.g., “The Box,” “The Crypt,” “The Vampire,” and so on. Only a Jack Ketchum can title a story “The Box” and have the supernal excellence of the story itself impart the necessary sense of awesome horror and mysterious fascination to the title. Only a Stephen King can title a novel It and make it work. And only a Thomas Ligotti can title a story “Dr. Voke and Mr. Veech” or “The Agonizing Resurrection of Victor Frankenstein, Citizen of Geneva” and make it reasonable (but that’s a different case and category altogether).

I have no idea why Mark’s and my long-ago conversation came to mind a few days ago. But when it did, I found my head suddenly filling up with lists of awfully absurd and absurdly awful titles not for horror stories but for horror movies. I offer them to you in the hope that you will neither use them nor allow them to be used by others. We already have enough badly titled horror movies to last us a lifetime.

25 + 1 Really Bad Titles for Horror Movies

  1. Screech
  2. The Mewling
  3. Heckraiser
  4. Candydude
  5. Disco, Monster, Disco!
  6. The Bride of Weasel Man
  7. Re-Constipator
  8. The Gnat
  9. Night of the Lactating Dead
  10. Prancer
  11. Alien Colonoscopy
  12. The Beast from 2 Fathoms
  13. Arbor Day
  14. My Funky Valentine
  15. Tales from the Outhouse
  16. The Tickle Pit of Doctor Gigglehausen
  17. I Waltzed with a Zombie
  18. Curse of the Care Bear
  19. Heckbound: Heckraiser II
  20. Frankenstein and the Monster from Cleveland
  21. Rosemary’s Baby-Daddy
  22. That Booger Fella
  23. Alien, Shmalien
  24. Something Wicked Awesome This Way Comes
  25. Salem’s Sandlot
  26. The Lincoln Log Murders

About Matt Cardin

Teeming Brain founder and editor Matt Cardin is the author of DARK AWAKENINGS, DIVINATIONS OF THE DEEP, A COURSE IN DEMONIC CREATIVITY: A WRITER’S GUIDE TO THE INNER GENIUS, and the forthcoming TO ROUSE LEVIATHAN. He is also the editor of BORN TO FEAR: INTERVIEWS WITH THOMAS LIGOTTI and the academic encyclopedias MUMMIES AROUND THE WORLD, GHOSTS, SPIRITS, AND PSYCHICS: THE PARANORMAL FROM ALCHEMY TO ZOMBIES, and HORROR LITERATURE THROUGH HISTORY.

Posted on January 15, 2009, in Arts & Entertainment and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. That Booger Fella and Curse of the Care Bear would not be on my watch list, that’s for sure. But, to be honest, The Beast from 2 Fathoms sounds like a classic and who could not be intrigued by The Bride of Weasel Man?!

  2. These are HILARIOUS! Thanks for the laugh.

  3. Glad you liked ’em, guys. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. πŸ™‚

  4. EnigmaticWinter

    Those movies are what Mystery Science Theater is all about!

  5. I was a huge fan of MST3K for years, and you’re so right, EnigmaticWinter, these titles sound a lot like the deliriously awful movies that are celebrated and skewered on that show. I’m glad you liked my list. Thanks for stopping by.

  6. The Mewling sounds a bit freaky, in a good way.

  7. I guess you don’t realize who this is. I changed my blog (actually i forgot my password) but this is Nicholas Porter. Just a heads up.

  8. EnigmaticWinter

    Hey, MC! Can you tell me the author’s name for the series The Chronicles of Prydain? Did i spell that right? Thanks.

  9. Steve – Maybe THE MEWLING would indeed make for a good movie — about demonically deformed werekittens, maybe?

    EnigmaticWinter — Ah, now I see who you are. Thanks for the hint.

    The author of THE CHRONICLES OF PRYDAIN, which you did indeed spell correctly, was Lloyd Alexander. He also wrote a number of other worthy books for young adults. Sadly, he died just a couple of years ago. A Google search turns up much good stuff about him. Speaking of which, make a practice of Googling that sfuff! I mean, shoot, I could serve as a fount of wisdom indefinitely, but if you catch a fish for a man, he’ll depend on you forever, whereas if you teach a man to fish . . . πŸ˜‰

  10. Yeah, that’s some good advice. And thanks for the author. I actually just found out that the Shannara books i have read were two in a trilogy. i just got the third and am reading it.

  11. Those titles are great! Thanks for the laugh.

  12. How about The Pickled Tit of Dr. Gigglehausen? Hilarious titles, man!!

    jmount43
    http://www.jmount43.wordpress.com

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